MISS MANNERS ON DRUGSbased and condensedon an article writtenby Don Baird#1: If you do drugs, don't lie about it and don't make excuses forindulging;e.g. "How are you?" you respond "I'm really high," or"I've been up for three days." it's easy!#2: Don't blame your indugences on your friend; e.g. your roommatesask you, " why are you noisily cleaning the kitchen at 4 am?" oryou boyfriend/girlfriend asks "why are you nattering on and on tome when i'm trying to sleep?" Don't say, "My friends made me do aline of speed and now I'm wide awake." Why make people hate yourfriends if they are decent enough to give you drugs? Take fullresponsibility.#3: Never jeopardize your own or your friends' employment  withsloppy drug transactions at the workplace; e.g., don't storm intoa workplace like a white tornado of drug paranoia to deliver "thatcassette tape you loaned me," waiving it around like Carol Merrilas you hand it to your friend behind the counter.WHEN YOU DO DRUGS, USE YOUR HEAD#4: EX (A) Note locations of bathrooms and exits in any buildingyou enter in case of nausea. (B) When you see a friend out in aclub, just politely say hello and proceed to the bar and order yourfruit juice. Don't tell them that you love them: they probablyknow. (C) Don't assume a stranger wants you to hump dance againsthis or her butt just because it seems like the natural, and cosmicthing to do. (D) Remember, not everybody wants their neck massaged.(E) As your ex wears off, please don't take that imperious allknowing tone of someone who has just spent a hallucino-fest in thedessert with Carlos Casteneda at the Joshua Tree. Anyone can buya hit, and condensation is so annoying. (F) When your trip is overaccept it gracefully with a real cocktail. Don't scramble arounddesperately looking for more. Nothing lasts forever, and no onelikes to be harranged by a desperate person.#5: ACID Basically follow the same guidelines for ex, and in addition:(A) In the 60's LSD made people think they could fly, in the 90's it makes people think the can dance. Don't pull an interpretive dance thing in acrowded club. No one deserves six square feet of a dance floor to play out their Renaissance Faire Pan-in-the-Woods fantasy.(B) Don't talk to strangers when you're peaking. He or shegenerally doesn't want to hear about the designs on the ceiling,or the trauma of your 7th grade P.E. class scoliosis exam, oranything about your perspective on reality. Save it for friends whoare of a similar inebriation. (C). Avoid mirrors at all costs,unless you are in a natural setting. (D) There is nothing wrongwith non-stop laughter.#6: COCAINE Don't do it, don't ask me to score it for you, anddon't try to impress me or anyone else with it. If you want to putsomething up your nose, make it something that doesn't  support thebuying of  arms or the perpetuation or radical oppression.#7: SPEED Now there's something for your nose. (A) Never offer thisdrug to a novice without a warning: This will burn a little andkeep you awake for many many hours. (B) Words are lovely and theyflow from your mouth at an accelerated rate, on speed. Keep thisin check. What you are saying could be brilliant and amusing, butcould also be the verbal equivalent to a Dessert Storm air raid.Don't scare people off with your new found gift of gab. (C) beaware of your breath, and what can be done about that not-so-freshfeeling. (D) don't be afraid to forsake social interaction for alate light dumpster diving treasure hunt. (E) Don't try to pick upthe morning garbage men on your way home. Don't obsess on windows.You might stare at one and think someone is putting on a masturbation show for you, but when the sun rises, you'll find that you've been trying to pick up a couch. no one ever mentions the drugs hallucinatory effects#8: POT The rice and beans of all drugs, and my personal favorite.(A) Now that our government has made pot more expensive than crackby destroying entire crops, and ruining the lives of heroicfarmers, it's now a carnal drug sin to take this one for granted.It's not just the trashy drug of yesteryear; it's better now, andto smoke it is making a statement.