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\lline{\hl Last Night I Saw Desire\'e Dance and I Knew What I Had¨
Come For}
\lline{by Neal Wach}
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{\it (I nearly died a queer's death in Vermont. I was crushed to¨
bits by the end of a long love affair. Pain and sadness fouled¨
the whole Northeast.)}

Desire\'e flew in from the shadows, a sort of giant crane, all¨
blue-black, setting down by a corner street light, late my first¨
night, with the bar closed and dark while we waited for the¨
others to finish. The great bird strutted briefly, bobbing his¨
head, the tousled hair in crimped points, shiny patches of black¨
leather, gold and silver. He was well over six foot, very long¨
and lean, and soon came to rest by a low wall beneath the window.¨
I went out to wait for the others and to meet him.

I didn't know him (I only knew of him) but our conversation¨
started easily, and for the rest of that night and all the next¨
day, when none of us slept and spoke freely, I grew more and more¨
fascinated by this man, the bird, a creature glittering in grand¨
drag, lain across a bed, or later poised, perched on a bar stool.

There are times when one is a teacher and when one is taught. I¨
felt myself becoming more and more the student child, anxious to¨
win favor, to please and attract him, but more, just to listen as¨
he spoke. He was a witch, and priestess, and talked about power¨
and the Goddess and magic, and though I was unaccustomed to¨
hearing such things, I was immediately drawn to the genuine and¨
obvious truth of what he was saying. I knew, at least, that mine¨
was now a spiritual adventure. Desire\'e was to be my first port¨
of call in a strange time, this foreign place and state of things¨
so unfamiliar to me.

I needed only to remain open and saw my map made that first night¨
by his long, elegant gestures, the languid drawl of his speech,¨
the sharp, clear focus of Desire\'e's eyes, rimmed in black.

We were together, all of us, those first few days, though I¨
stayed close to Desire\'e, asking questions, wanting to know¨
everything, listening, watching, following. I was shamelessly¨
admiring, adoring, of him. But he, in wisdom, knew I was merely a¨
child spirit, newly formed since my escape, raw and vulnerable,¨
with an open heart -- that heart which I lay open to him and he¨
so powerfully and generously filled. All was (and is, still) new¨
to me, this new life which I have begun in so slow and earnest a¨
crawl, from east to west, hell to earth, now upward further upon¨
his wings.

Concretely, he has helped me see more into love and love of self,¨
as something natural and basic, universal. Desire\'e¨
distinguishes the personality from ego, the former being born of¨
spirit, the true self, and visible. Knowing this, he is a patient¨
teacher -- and I, in turn, the perfect student: for the ego¨
becomes flimsy and transparent. The ego against which I, at this¨
very time of my life, have made my greatest battle; that ego¨
which had become in me so heavily rigid and impenetrable an¨
armor, that I nearly died for breath within it. I had lost the¨
very self it was designed to protect. I couldn't touch, I¨
couldn't feel, I couldn't see.

It had to be removed, destroyed. And so it shatters, and I am¨
then left to unravel like a bound foot, with the greatest, most¨
tortuous pain. I survived, to force upon myself a more humble¨
view of the world, by necessity, and in reaction, to heal myself.

I was therefore ready to meet my great bird and finally, one¨
night, to see his dance.

It began suddenly, and in such crowded confusion, but I soon came¨
to realize, song after song, the experience was mine alone.¨
Desire\'e was dancing for me, to make his magic. Others could see¨
it too, had they wanted. But gratefully they were all so young¨
and pretty and self-absorbed, that I selfishly could be alone. I¨
was unique, like a young apprentice, tingling with privilege and¨
honor.

Somewhere from behind there came a strange sound, a sort of hoot,¨
and Desire\'e fluttered out on to the floor. Because of his size¨
(he was so tall and powerful), the others moved naturally away¨
from him, and he soon seemed to occupy a space all his own, a¨
place on the floor where the light seemed strangely brighter.

Then, in a moment, the world was gone. Suddenly we were alone, my¨
teacher and I, in a dark dreamy place where I stood watching from¨
the shadows, Desire\'e beneath a bright blue light that shone¨
like a star above his head.

He leaned forward, looking down, stretching his long arms further¨
toward the floor. He arched his back, then slowly looked up, and¨
as he did so, carefully spread his arms outward. And it was then¨
that I saw the wings of a phoenix unfold. There before me, a¨
great blue-black bird of fire, bright and beautiful spread her¨
wings, rising up from the earth. And she began to spin, like a¨
dervish with amazing intensity, soaring downward, round, up and¨
round again, faster, then slower, but always with the same¨
remarkable force. It was this force, a heat I felt, that stirred¨
somewhere within me, that I understood and knew to be the force¨
of all things primordial and pagan; a dark force, but the¨
darkness of night, the night as it implies day, masculine as it¨
implies the feminine, the purest strength, the truest power,¨
beyond all limitation, beyond knowledge, and fear, and death. It¨
was the spirit unchained, unfettered by ego and the world. It was¨
love, but a greater love than I know, but a love possible and¨
essential. I felt the heat of it, its power and goodness. I could¨
want for nothing else again.

A caged bird is not a bird at all. It is desperately half-living¨
and selfish amusement. The crumbs we feed it are not enough. It¨
dies. Its song is gone forever.

At a time when I am of sex and imagery and the community of men¨
in these Plague Years, I cannot starve myself and those I may¨
choose to love. I must have all of life. Love must be free.

This radiant spirit, my great bird Desire\'e, enlightened and¨
beautiful, has marked me with the magic of his flight. And to fly¨
requires such courage and strength, wisdom, and -- above all --¨
faith. I think on Desire\'e and must -- will fly. I will only¨
fly. \hfill $lambda$

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