MISS MANNERS ON DRUGS
based and condensed
on an article written
by Don Baird


#1: If you do drugs, don't lie about it and don't make excuses for
indulging;e.g. "How are you?" you respond "I'm really high," or
"I've been up for three days." it's easy!


#2: Don't blame your indugences on your friend; e.g. your roommates
ask you, " why are you noisily cleaning the kitchen at 4 am?" or
you boyfriend/girlfriend asks "why are you nattering on and on to
me when i'm trying to sleep?" Don't say, "My friends made me do a
line of speed and now I'm wide awake." Why make people hate your
friends if they are decent enough to give you drugs? Take full
responsibility.

#3: Never jeopardize your own or your friends' employment  with
sloppy drug transactions at the workplace; e.g., don't storm into
a workplace like a white tornado of drug paranoia to deliver "that
cassette tape you loaned me," waiving it around like Carol Merril
as you hand it to your friend behind the counter.

WHEN YOU DO DRUGS, USE YOUR HEAD

#4: EX (A) Note locations of bathrooms and exits in any building
you enter in case of nausea. (B) When you see a friend out in a
club, just politely say hello and proceed to the bar and order your
fruit juice. Don't tell them that you love them: they probably
know. (C) Don't assume a stranger wants you to hump dance against
his or her butt just because it seems like the natural, and cosmic
thing to do. (D) Remember, not everybody wants their neck massaged.
(E) As your ex wears off, please don't take that imperious all
knowing tone of someone who has just spent a hallucino-fest in the
dessert with Carlos Casteneda at the Joshua Tree. Anyone can buy
a hit, and condensation is so annoying. (F) When your trip is over
accept it gracefully with a real cocktail. Don't scramble around
desperately looking for more. Nothing lasts forever, and no one
likes to be harranged by a desperate person.

#5: ACID Basically follow the same guidelines for ex, and in addition:
(A) In the 60's LSD made people fly, in the 90's it makes people
think the can dance. Don't pull an interpretive dance thing in a
crowded club. No one deserves six square feet of a dance floor to
play out their Renaissance Faire Pan-in-the-Woods fantasy.
(B) Don't talk to strangers when you're peaking. He or she
generally doesn't want to hear about the designs on the ceiling,
or the trauma of your 7th grade P.E. class scoliosis exam, or
anything about your perspective on reality. Save it for friends who
are of a similar inebriation. (C). Avoid mirrors at all costs,
unless you are in a natural setting. (D) There is nothing wrong
with non-stop laughter.
#6: COCAINE Don't do it, don't ask me to score it for you, and
don't try to impress me or anyone else with it. If you want to put
something up your nose, make it something that doesn't  support the
buying of  arms or the perpetuation or radical oppression.

#7: SPEED Now there's something for your nose. (A) Never offer this
drug to a novice without a warning: This will burn a little and
keep you awake for many many hours. (B) Words are lovely and they
flow from your mouth at an accelerated rate, on speed. Keep this
in check. What you are saying could be brilliant and amusing, but
could also be the verbal equivalent to a Dessert Storm air raid.
Don't scare people off with your new found gift of gab. (C) be
aware of your breath, and what can be done about that not-so-fresh
feeling. (D) don't be afraid to forsake social interaction for a
late light dumpster diving treasure hunt. (E) Don't try to pick up
the morning garbage men on your way home. Don't obsess on windows.
You might stare at one and think someone is putting on a
masturbation show for you, but when the sun rises, you'll find that
you've been trying to pick up a couch. no one ever mentions the
drugs hallucinatory effects

#8: POT The rice and beans of al drugs, and my personal favorite.
(A) Now that our government has made pot more expensive than crack
by destroying entire crops, and ruining the lives of heroic
farmers, it's now a carnal drug sin to take this one for granted.
It's not just the trashy drug of yesteryear; it's better now, and
to smoke it is making a statement.