From flesh Sat Jan 22 18:34:31 1994 Received: by fido.wps.com (5.67/wps.com-hackery) id AA11355; Sat, 22 Jan 94 18:34:27 -0800 From: flesh (Flesh) Message-Id: <9401230234.AA11355@wps.com> Subject: Flame that puppy To: shit-list Date: Sat, 22 Jan 1994 18:34:26 -0800 (PST) Cc: zorca@well.sf.ca.us X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL23] Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Length: 10169 Status: OR The following was taken from the alt.flame off the internet newsgroups. It is a group devoted entirely to insults. We're not talking about the typical "your mamma" insults here. We're talking about stuff that, if said in real life, and ment, would more than likly get your residential dwelling firebombed. Summed up, if it can be held against you, it will...viscously. This is one of the better ones off of the group. BE WARNED!!!!!!!! BE WARNED!!!!!!!! BE WARNED!!!!!!!! BE WARNED!!!!!!!! >From haushalt@research.nj.nec.com Tue Dec 21 12:13:41 MST 1993 Good evening, folks. I'm Bob Haushalter and I'm your host for the second annual alt.flame "Hall of Shame" fashion show here in the beautiful Trump Taj Mahal Casino in exciting Atlantic City. We've got quite a show lined up for you tonight and I'd like to get things started. Joining me here tonight at the foot of the walkway are a distinguished panel of judges composed of a few of the alt.flame losers. Could each of you stand as I introduce you? On my immediate right here is Mike Holeburn looking quite a bit like the little man from the Monopoly game in his tux (nods to crowd), to his right Andy from Dallas(waves cowboy hat), Babs Abernathy, Karmellow Cornhole and finally Tony Zugates. You'll be happy to know also that this year we isolated the Norwegians, Swedes and the other assorted Scandoscum trash in a sound proof glass enclosure so we won't have to experience the disruptions we heard last year. Well, let me tell you a little bit about what you can expect. As you are probably aware, alt.flame has recently experienced a burgeoning influx of a number of transvestites/crossdressers, transexuals and, above all, several individuals who are just basically, plain old confused about their sexual identities. So we're particularly encouraging these individuals to "strut their stuff" for you tonight here in Atlantic City, in hopes of them clarifying and crystallizing their thoughts in this important area. Moving right along to our first contestant, directly from the heart of the cornbelt in Ames Iowa, we have BFG the Bunghole Fondling Gastropod, Becky Baker. And here she comes down the runway now. Doesn't she carry her 182 lbs on her 5'2" frame quite well? Becky is really looking fine with her fresh shave and crisply starched, crotchless overalls. Well those see-thru leotards are indeed quite eyecatching. BFG, is that a couple pads of black steel wool peeking out from the crotch of your stained undies or are you overdue for a pube job at the local merkin salon? Becky, is that your butt shaking like that when you walk or do you have 50 lbs of half melted jello in a plastic garbage strapped to your derriere? Camera 3, can we get a closeup of Beck and display it on the big screen here in the Taj Mahal? Love the way you comb your lipid drenched, prematurely gray hair stright back. Hey who knows, with these judges, the blackheads and ample nasal hair could be a plus. Are you blushing? Well, judges, what say ye? Babs: Oy! I like you plaid flannel shirt under the overalls. 8 Karmy: Fuck you, Bob. I make $100,000/year and drive a BMW. I get laid every night (by women). A 10. Andy: Bob, you know what boggles my fucking mind? The stinking Federal Reserve System. Did you know that the US has a private banking system and that the Federal Reserve is not part of the Government? Did you know that they've never been audited except with their own internal audits? And that these audits don't meet even the minimum requirements of the National Association of Public Accountants? I think the whole crossdressing farmgirl charade sucks . . . 4. Holeburn: Bob, can ask the contestant a question? Thanks. BFG, can you tell me what is the proper diameter file to use on both round and square chisel teeth chain saw chains in both domestic and foreign *professional* chain saws with over 3cc engines? Two stroke only, please. BFG: A constant diameter 0.050" on the domestic and 1.2mm on the German saws. OK. Our next contestant is that zoophilic zarathustrian zulu, straight from Witwatersrand . . . [Simonize Anderson] Si is sporting a blotchy rather dirty, intestine grey-pink Spandex upper body suit complemented by a very short, ruffled (Desmond) tutu. His coarsely knit, nurse-like white nylons with the seam in back allow his kinky leg hairs to protrude thru the mesh for that furry Kalahari look. Si, do you have Afro-sheen on your leg hairs? Let's have a hand for Si and his cross-dressing Willy Mandela look. Well Holeburn, what do you think? Hole: I'm impressed with the shield displaying the wildebeest penis . . . I'll give him an 8. Andy? Andy: Bob, there were dozens of men, women and children incinerated in Waco and righteous Boobus America didn't even blink an eye. What happened to the "drug labs", "child pornography" and the other "outrages" that were supposed to have justified the raid? What did these people do besides exercise their Constitutional rights for religious freedom and to bear arms? As soon as the government labels you as a "cult" or "warlord" or the like, you'd better make out your will. Si, your thongs just aren't you . . . I give you a 4. Babs? Babs: Oy! Si, I like you legs. You look like a guy that knows where to find undigested corn . . . a 9. Cornhole? Karmy: Fuck you, Bob. I make $120,000/year and drive a top of the line BMW. I get laid twice every night (by women). Karmy, please keep your hands on the table top . . . what do you vote? I haven't had a drink since dinner and can't think too fast . . . get the hell off my back. I say 10. OK, Tony? Tony: OK! Looking good, Si . . . good luck. Allright, folks, let's continue. Our next contestant is from way up North, ay? Straight from Waterloo in Guelph, it's Lez. [Lez Stewart] Folks, will you look at this! Here comes Lez down the walkway. Those 6 inch platform shoes and heels do give her a certain presence, don't they? Lez is dressed tonight in an extremely thin, black, skin tight kid glove leather body suit. Am I seeing things or is your leather only about ten microns thick. I swear from here I can see every single lucious bump and crevice on her succulent body! I think I can actually make out the outline of the little Indian there in his canoe. Lez, I'm almost afraid to ask where you got those foreskin earrings. The stump of a pipe held tight in her teeth And the smoke it encircled her head like a wreath. Well judges, I know I got a woody in about four picoseconds when I saw her, what do you all think? Comfy, if you can get your tongue back in your mouth tells us what you think. Hole: uuuuhhhh . . . uh . . 10! Babs: Oy! I like you turgid buttocks . . . 10. Andy: Bob, how many people do think that crazy bastard on the Long Island Railroad would have shot if everyone exercised their second amendment rights and carried a gun? Maybe two at the most. I give Lez a 10. Tony: Cornhole: Does anyone have any tissues? A 10. It certainly looks like Lez is the one to "beat" so far. Our next participant hails from lovely Santa Barbara and here she is . . [Katty Corkme] As our lips slowly parted, I stared deeply into her limpid blue eyes and pushed her long blonde hair back off her shoulders. I slowly unbuttoned her white cotton blouse and let it fall to the floor. She gently placed her hands on either side of my head and slowly drew my face into the warm softness of her breasts. As I placed my mouth over her large areola, which was just slightly darker than the surrounding skin of her firm breast, her smooth nipple rapidly became erect. As my lips moved down from her breast, across her stomach and below her navel, I could feel the muscles in her buttocks becoming increasingly tense . . . Ahem. And now from just outside the main gate of the big Navy base in San Diego the Ferrous Fanny Fondler [Vapid Video Vug-head] Stainette, do you have anything to say to the judges? "Yes . . . fuckhead. Feh." Well, that was certainly up to your pithy standards, Dickcheese. This evening Stainette is wearing the Wal-Mart special southern California unisex shiny rayon jogging suit made from recycled polyethylene terephthallate. Further confusing the gender issue Stainette has apparently accentuated both her breasts but (s)he has a (rather smallish) bulge in the crotch area as well. The lipstick/eyeshadow is nicely offset by the workshoes and hard hat. Well judges, what do you think of our little San Diego gender bender? Karmy, please keep your hands up on the table. Babs? Babs: Oy! I really don't care for you jumpsuit. I prefer something with just a tad more ostentatiousness. I'll give you outfit a 4. Comfy: (S)he's a colostomy bag. 4 Cornhole: Where are the free drinks you promised? 10 Andy: Bob, what about the MOVE disaster in Philly a few years back? They didn't fit the mold so the government firebombed their house. Killed women and children and burned down an entire city block with 60 houses. I'll give Stainette a 0, no imagination whatsoever. Tony: Well, Stainette, thanks loads. Don't call us, we'll call you. Being a California weirdo, I guess you forgot to rub your crystal, pray to Shirley Maclain and eat your alfalfa sprouts, you new age neophytic neandrathal. Well folks we're going ohave to stop her for a commercial break. Don't forget to stay tuned this evening after the pageant for our special presentation: Santa/The Pope/Chelsea Clinton: A KY covered menage a trois. Rated XXX